Last week I watched a very powerful Oprah show on the effects of neglect on small children. As a mom who is constantly pulling out my hair trying to figure out what the “best” way to discipline, love, correct, lead, empower, I am baffled by parents that neglect and have no regard for the well-being of their children. It is a concept that I cannot comprehend.

Oprah had child psychiatrist Dr. Bruce Perry on the show as she interviewed a family that had adopted a young girl who at 10 years old, functioned with the brain of a 12 month old. Her retardation is a result of neglect at a very young age and the failure to remove her from her abusive situation. Dr. Bruce Perry says “Most people don’t realize this, but there are twice as many neglected children in the United States as there are physically and sexually abused combined.”

Dr. Perry says at least 500,000 children every year are neglected by their caregivers. “It’s like a silent epidemic,” he says. “From a functional perspective for the developing child, neglect is the absence of necessary stimulation required to build a certain part of the brain so it can function normally.”
(view slide show)

I do not know of any situations in which parents have withheld so much love, affection and stimulation from their children so that their children function as poorly as the little girl (Danielle) featured on Oprah’s show. But it makes me wonder about marginal neglect that might not be included in that 500,000.

I have a toddler, who will stop at nothing to push back bedtime. We return to her room, put her back in bed, pull up the covers many, many times each evening before she settles in. I’ve read that any “self-respecting” toddler will creatively challenge their bedtime. When I’m not particularly exhausted, I can laugh at her many crazy ideas to stay up a bit later. But, exhausted or not, we return to her room, reassure her that we are there and can hear her. We don’t cave – we “super nanny” her – but she knows we will come when she calls. (Bedtime routine)

There are times when I cannot run to her immediately – when I’m feeding her sister, in the shower, tied up with something else. But the fact that we return when we are able is said to be a reassuring gesture that she is not neglected by her parents. Although instinctual to run to my child when she cries, it seems to be “counter-culture”. I had to learn that it was o.k. and that providing this attention was not going to “spoil” her. After watching this Oprah special, I feel even more confident that although it has been 6 months since she has peacefully crawled into bed without a protest that our “sensitivity” is what she needs to grow and flourish.

Children not only desire and crave our attention, but it is vital to their growth, development and survival. We should be asking ourselves “what can we do to further nurture our children and meet their basic needs” rather than “at what age can I allow her to ‘cry it out’”? “At what age can I lovingly ignore my child?”

Loving our children properly is not an easy task. It’s exhausting and requires more strength than we as humans can muster up alone. Church, mommy groups, yoga groups, play groups, parenting classes are awesome places to connect and get the support that we need to do right. Luckily children are resilient and will overcome our many failures. But in order to cure the ‘epidemic’ of child neglect, we must start by raising the bar for how to care for our children, admit that we are undoubtedly flawed as parents and support one another in learning how to love better.